juz back from camp today.
juz reach home from camp.
really tired.. but got alot o things to do..
got to do laundry, study and massage my muscle bit.
this week has been another tough week. not exactly that tough physically as i believe
i have more to offer than juz that. but it is really the mental part really nearly killed me.
and through all these i found out alot of things about myself. good and bad,there are.
e daily routine in camp would be to wake up at 6 or earlier.. i will drag myself out of bed
after hearing my buddies shouting "wake up liao.wake up laio!"
first thing when i woke up will be to look at my hp, is there msges. haha..if there isn't,
i will msg a soft,"good morning! =D" to jas. it was a good old self of mine to do say good
morning to the people i really love. however i guess there are alot of things that cannot
explained by juz an early morning msg. things dun juz happen. things happen for a reason.
and received a msg from jas juz now. i msg overly too much. really too much. jas cannot
take it anymore. in e email, she blasted me for e alot of msges, and how it has affected
her. i was wrong. and am wrong. i made jas felt really miserable and lifeless. i have no
excuse. and i do not need pity or mercy. i am e block in her life right now. obstable block.
its pretty hard to live with someone that msg so much, and call all e time, and try to control
her somehow. no space. really no space ar.. haha.. even i will feel this way.
because of my stubborn self. and my persistence, i caused another person i love to
feel this way. *things i learned about myself (i)i never think when i do things, i do things
more with my heart.* -->jas for ur qns, i did that to all my ex. i think thats y they broke
contact with me completely.and i felt like shit. its my life. i am sinned. i will change. and
minimize e sins. at least i will not make more people suffer.
during training. things will get very heated up(nt temperature) and things will be very luan.
very very luan. heard sir said this once, it is during these period when true leaders emerge.
* (ii) i am 100% sure i am not a leader now. today after soc, i was not exactly tired in compared
to my friends cause my combat fitness is better than them, but, when tanga(leader) told us
to fall in, i was last in e pack to do that. cause i was ignorance. i was thinking of other things.
i was on concentrating on wat things that needs to be done. in e buck juz now, everyone was
busy. some were cleaning the bunk. some were cleaning the toilet, some were cleaning weapons.
then wat was i doing, i was slacking at my bedside. thinking that i should do my own things before
doing other things.i only think of myself, and not e issue at hand first. i was busy thinking of jas,
msging(making her feel like shit.), packing my bag, lying down. when they ask for volunteers to
do SK, i was siaming.. i looked at myself after that. wat e fuck. wat e fuck. wat e fuck. wat e fuck.
wat e fuck am i doing. i have become a cripple, in my heart, i am a useless fuck now. sometimes
when there is a session that needs people to come out and speak. * (iii) i will be getting all nervous
and hyperly excited.* i know i am not a good speaker, cause i lack confidence in myself, as
i fell many times in my life. and they were all really steep falls. especially now. i am experiencing
another break up. and it was not because i did not put in 110%, i followed my principles and
beliefs which is never give up and never leave any regret and do my fucking best and bit more.
my results in A levels suck. cannot get into uni. i am really low in confidence now. but all these
are excuses i give myself. i know i can do better. and i will from now on. my problems i learned this week.. i get too nervous.. it really got to me when i was at e livefiring at e field on thurday.
it was e last livefiring in e late nights. i was pretty much awake. i have did the rehersal 4 times le.
and at e break in point. my heart was pounding, i was smiling to myself, and my friends, in an
attempt to make them feel more at ease. and i was e one that is lacking that. broke in.
the roar was on.. and i was on e floor shooting. with my sir 1m apart and then i was nervous, i was
sure that i have to listened to his command, but i wasn't thinking right. i heard e command that is
not for me and sir to move. it was livefiring!!!! it was live rounds, live bullets. and live bullets go through body will kill!!!!!!!! i stood up and run. sir shot one round out of his rifle's barrel. i saw a
light flashed past my left. not more than 1feet away. i got down. e sgt and sir was shock, and kept
knocking on my helmet. "wat e fuck are you doing!!!!!wat e fuck u did, do u know wat u are doing!!!
don't scare me understand or not. listen to ur sir's order understand or not!!!!!"
i thought i was dead, at that split second when i see and heard e round went out, in my mind,
a picture of jasmine in white, my fav shirt jas wears, e first time i met her for movie, at long johns
cck, flashed. and when i got to the ground. i was feeling blank. iwas like, wat e fuck am i doing.
wat am i thinking. the ans, i was not thinking!
sir said to us later, he saw my in his rifle's scope. he was about to squeeze the trigger. luckily,
e sgt knock his helmet and alerted him of me running. orelse. i am dead.
sir also said, i am his buddy, and i am his buddy. he will risk his life for me, will i?
sir, i will. and for all my buddy i will, for jas i will.
i nearly loss my life. it was an experience i got afew times in commando, and in my life.
this time. i better learn e lesson wat god want to tell me. orelse next time. wrong, there will
be no next time if i ever get into a life and death situation.
after this experience, i feel that i am a new person. kinda newly borned.
i treasure all the things i have more. and i think more. more confidence.
and i mean it.
i wonder when i will be able to become a better person. a real man that my pap and mum will
be proud of. and a person that a girl can depend on. i look at my sir, and my sgt, and all my buddies
and seniors. i feel that i am as good as them. they all, i mean all, have things that i can learn from.
and i will not stop learning.
lastly i will like to tell jas something here, "Jas i am sorry."
i know its impossible for me to move on. but i will let u move on. take care.
thank you god for telling me alot of things this week.
i am amazed by how u teach me things.
u break me up. break me to pieces
and lead me back to one piece.
may god bless jas.
pengyong
21:32
posted by py @ 8:20 PM
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