Its crazy, the feeling, it's running wild, again. Like kids that felt freedom, that they will never grow up, i feel i am losing that part of me. The pleasure of dancing around, the idea of time, standing in the edge of the beach and closing my eyes. All these. Images, flowed into my mind, without curtail. I felt like drinking, till i am drunk, tonight, i haven't felt this way for a long time.
God loves to put me in positions. And i guess he does that for many reasons. For my good, and as i am his. . .
I failed my ippt once again. Nothing new, not unexpected.
And there i was, sitting down infront of the pti counter, i looked up, there's a quote without the quotee.. it says,"A man with the right attitude will acheieve what he so wants; A man without the right attitude will only dream of his wants and acheieve nothing, in the end."
It was in i think 300pts font? haha.. so its really big! Can't miss. So yea..
I questioned myself, what has happened to me?
Just 3 years ago, i am in 1st Commando's Battalion, feeling super fit, and super confident. We are the BEST NSF's around, cause we won the best combat unit for 2 consecutive year. And then i entered uni, and started working last sem.
Yes.. there were signs, i struggled last year's ippt too. I took it 3 times if i never remember wrongly.
I guess my attitude towards life is flawed in certain ways.
Firstly, yes, i am working REALLY hard at work, cause i so want to get used to the working rythmn and get my work done well. In the process learn as many things as i can! --> That's good!
Secondly, i am trying my VERY BEST to study and do my school work while i am working. It is really tiring, every weekday after work, but i force myself to stay in office till weee hours or go back to school to do project while actually i can just go home to rest..slack.. --> That's good!
Thirdly, i am trying to balance my emotions, so that i won't get too affected by all those stupid negative feelnigs that crops up once inawhile, and if u read my blog, yes.. i guess i am feeling like shit sometimes, but that is why i blog. To let my feelings out. And yes, that's that. so yea.. --> That's good!
Fourthly, i am praying to god, i am praying to my buddhist gods and my ancestors too. I am trying to be the most responsible kid, so that my parents can be comfortable with their own life. helping out in chores, doing my bed, study hard, bring $$ home. I am just trying to build myself. --> That's good!
Lastly, and something i feel is neglected. My love for sports, my passion for tkd, my passion for bball, my passion for volunteering, my passion for educating kids, my overall fitness and army operational NS fitness. ALL THESE ARE JUST SIMPLY GONE!
hmm.. on the one hand, i am happy that i am getting more responsible and matured; on the other hand, i feel that i am really sacrificing my passions and fitness.
It's heartbreaking.
But hey.. it's not the end of the world.
Hmm... i guess hor, if i can improve on my fitness and re-ignite my passion again, slowly, one step at a time, without burning out, i think i will really be the kinda guy i always wanted to be.
SO YES! Just gotta have the RIGHT ATTITUDE. It's something that i will be working on ALSO now.
And for relationship and my love life.. hahaha.. i just gotta hope for the best. (jy hor!?) haha =)
I am going to tackle the problem that my friend experienced.
Hmm..
Personally, i have experienced this too, so i may be really bias in my opinions.. take it as a reference. When two person comes together, there is always this unbelievable feelings/bond that sparks this step into a relationship. Conversely, when things are getting in the wrong direction in all possible ways, there seem to be no other solution, and only one result happens, a break up/end to this relationship. It is only logical. At that moment that is.
Hmm..
Then after that u think to yourself, is it me making the decision for everything to end? Was i doing it because i felt pityful of myself, of my current state/debacle? Was it worth it?
Many a times, a whole cloud of confusion mirks the mind.
Somethings that will end up in my mind includes: i) I made the wrong decision. But what is the right decision then? Are there any sorta solution out of this? What is it and how is it going to affect us? Will she still listen to what i have to say? Am i alone in this kinda thoughts or is she thinking of it too? ii) I feel alone, lonely, tired, emotionally drained, and i thought yes, i need her, and this "kong shi"(emptiness) on magnifies when she is no longer within a sms/call away. I need her more than she needs me. yea? iii) When is it going to end, this kinda down time? when am i going to stop thinking of her? is she thinking in the same direction as me? Am i selfish to do that? (AND FINALLY THIS QNS) iv) Can i turn it over? will she accept me if i ask for us to be together again, a patch up?
And i will usually just go, whack la! Just try.. The most i get rejected. Yes.. you sense the desperate-ness in this attempt. And yes! many a times, hmm, we never got back. I just became even more hurt and DOWN. hmm.. this were my experiences. my life.
It sucks to think of all these again.. But this post is dedicated to you my friend, who is going through this similar experience. You're not alone.
It's normal that u are going through this. Just sit down and think through things. And as what u learn in micro- economics, there are always opportunity costs.
I just told Lyon something off my mind. Hmm.. cause she was telling me it's a darn tired day. And i said: " oh, but i love coming home. It feels good to have an 8 hours (12am to 7am)of relaxation and rest."
I think that is really true. Guess we have to feel contended? Because happiness comes naturally when one is contended eh?
OKAY! i know i am ALWAYS thinking of all these life related 'dao li'.. haha.. i read too much of such stuff.. haha..
I'm going to break the news! (Don't really care if it is private and confidential OR confidential and private)
Haha..
I've got my bonus!! yay!
It's really different from just getting the monthly salary each month. I felt really good, energized, revitalized, rush of happiness for yesterday. Almost the whole day. haa.. The feeling is similar to the adrenaline that got to me when i got my first pay from UEL. As it was the first full-time work that paid more than $1,000. I felt really excited last august when i got my pay! haha.. So is this time. =) I've got 2 month bonus. So its about $3,400. Haha..
Yay!
I've decided how to spend my money le!
Here's the breakdown:
$ Bonus 3,316 Add:March'10 Pay 1,700 5,016 Less:CPF (1,003.20) Net Income 4,021.80
Less: Contributions -to Dad (250) -to Mum (250) -to Brother (100) -to Grand Ma (100) Less: Living Expenses (500) Add: Ang Bao Money 200
Net amount(to save) 3,012.80
Yay! I think i can buy my bike le! But but,
i wanna save afew more months. Haha. Just to feel slightly safer. haha..
Wanna thanks her for her prayers too.. And i'll keep jia you-ing. (ps. read my blog's title. =P)
I forgot to say something about how i felt today.. Hmm.. it was all over. I guess it's that season of self doubts and questioning. Think of alot alot of things these days. And i get stuck with problems and thoughts every single day. It feels like i am drowning sometimes.. but i felt strong inherently.. So it's confusing yet ironic.
"Nothing wrong with feeling that way." I told myself.
I was worried, whole day, about jy. Because she is taking her GAMSAT paperS and she wasn't at all confident. I am just worried she will revert back to doing things to harm herself, because she is already in such bad condition emotionally these few days.. or maybe, just maybe, these few years. That just occupied most of my energy level today.
I was dissappointed but relieved, that i had finished my ippt and failed it. Relieve because i finally get my arse off my seat and got it done. It was quite a relieve. That AT LAST i am waking up to reality. I NEED TO BE FIT, OPERATIONALLY FIT ALL THE TIME! So yea.. i have told myself, and this time it is bo bian and for real, i need to pass my ippt before 4/4/10, and that means, i need to really go for all the ippt that i can make it. just got to train every single morning too. Just going through the ippt routine and getting really used to it. I believe with time and hard work, i will get to the passing mark.
I felt terribly loss.. sometimes.. when i think to myself (same thoughts) .. jy has a boyfriend.. and i am still running, sometimes in darkness, as there is no future that is certain because i don't feel confident at all that i will win her over. I am not struggling with this.. But i just felt that i am emotionally draining my level of energy. BUT! Good things/love, need time eh. =) I am willing to sacrifice current level of emotional draining for future potential emotional fulfilment. Main thing, is that i want her to be really happy, i wanna try, yes, very much.
I need to realllllyyy pack my table.. it is collecting dust and it doesn't look like a study table anymore..
Sit up - 31 (fail) Standing Broad jump - 221cm (fail) Shuttle Run - 10s (pass) Chin up - 12 (pass) 2.4km run - 12mins 47sec (fail)
Note said: "Try harder next time ....................."
FUCK!
I need to train, every day, every morning, to get back my fitness, to maintain my fitness!
Result i need to get (next week)
Sit up - 40 Shuttle run - 10s Chin up - 12 Standing Broad Jump - 243cm 2.4km run - 11mins 30sec
I am MOTIVATED AND FOCUS AND DETERMINED!! I want to TURN THIS AROUND!
oh mans.. after thinking through sooo much about what touring bike i should get.. I am kinda settled on this bike!
Dahon Tournado 700C
Here are PICTURES of it. muahahaha! (Courtesy of photos i found online!)
Here are the DETAILS that i have found out about it.
Price: US$2,199.00 (with exchange rate of SGD$1.4 to USD$1.0) SGD$3,078.60
Sizes S and M Size.
The all-day, all-weather, all-roads, travel bike. The Tournado is a handmade, lugged-steel touring bike that celebrates classical frame geometries and component designs. In true hand-made tradition, each frame is painstakingly welded and brazed from Tange Prestige tubes and each lug lovingly hand-painted. A Brooks Champion saddle in a Dahon custom antique brown and lusciously rich Brooks leather bar tape highlight the component package. The Tournado fits tires of up to 700?40C and features a frame geometry designed for stability and a more comfortable upright, riding position. The result is a superbly balanced, supple ride that will deliver mile after mile of smiles. Best of all, the Tournado packs in fifteen minutes into it's own AirPorter travel case so you'll never have to leave home without your bike again. Pack your bags? the road is waiting.. HIGHLIGHTS
* Patented Ritchey BAB technology * Only 10.9 kg * Shimano Ultegra 27 speed drive, easiest to repair on the field * American Classic high flange hubs fitted with stainless steel cartridge bearings * 18/2 Db stainless steel spokes
Specifications:
COLORS: Caramel SPEEDS: 27 FRAME SIZES: S/M GEAR INCHES: 29" - 119" DISTANCE: SEATPOST TO HANDLEBAR: Min: 660 mm (25.7") Max: 660 mm (25.7") DISTANCE: SADDLE TO PEDAL: Min: 915 mm (35.7") Max: 1030 mm (40") FOLDED SIZE: 30 x 75 x 66 cm (11.7" x 29.3" x 25.7") FOLDING TIME: 15 min WEIGHT: 10.9 kg (24 lb) SUGGESTED RIDER HEIGHT S: 157 - 167 cm (5´2" -5'6"); M: 167 - 183 cm (5'6" -6'); L: 183 - 193 cm (6'-6'4") MAX RIDER WEIGHT: 105 kg (230 lb) FRAME: Tournado, patented Ritchey BAB technology, Tange Prestige tubing, Ritchey drop outs FORK: Tange chromoly with lugged crown SUSPENSION: n/a HANDLEPOST: n/a HANDLEBAR: Ritchey Biomax II ergonomic drop bar, 31.8 mm STEM: Dahon F.I.T., patented ATS technology, 3D forged 6061-T6 aluminum HEADSET: FSA Orbit-X, 36 degree angular contact sealed bearings GRIPS/BAR TAPE: Brooks leather bar tape, antique brown SADDLE Brooks: B17 Champion leather saddle, custom antique brown color SEATPOST: BioLogic™ Zorin PostPump™, 27.2 mm SEAT CLAMP: n/a FRONT BRAKE: Kinetix Tour, forged aluminum, dual pivot caliper, long reach, adjustable angle pads REAR BRAKE: Kinetix Tour, forged aluminum, dual pivot caliper, long reach, adjustable angle pads BRAKE LEVERS: Tektro interrupters, forged aluminum, reach adjustment BRAKE CABLE & HOUSING: Dahon LiveWire™, slick cables FRONT HUB: American Classic, high flange, stainless cartridge bearings, 32H, silver, Kinetix ProLite QR REAR HUB: American Classic, high flange, stainless cartridge bearings, 32H, Kinetix ProLite QR SPOKES 18/8 double butted stainless steel NIPPLES: Sapim Polyax nipples RIMS: Kinetix Pro, Niobium alloy, doublewall, CNC machined sidewalls TIRES: Dahon Special Edition Schwalbe Marathon Racer 700c x 35, with Raceguard puncture protection, Dahon Special Edition Cream sidewall SHIFTER(S: Shimano Dual Control, ST-4500, 3 x 9 spd FRONT DERAILLEUR: Shimano Tiagra, Triple REAR DERAILLEUR: Shimano Ultegra SL CRANKSET: Dahon Special Edition Sugino XD, 48/38/28T CASSETTE/FREEWHEEL: SRAM 9 spd, 11-26 BOTTOM BRACKET: Sealed cartridge CHAIN: SRAM PC971, 9 spd, PowerLink PEDALS: n/a CABLE & HOUSING: Dahon LiveWire™, slick cables CABLE SPLITTER: Machined aluminum ACCESSORY: Reflective pants clip SUITCASE: Airporter with in-line skate wheels TOOL: 4 mm, 5 mm, 6 mm Allen tool *Note: These are our standard model specifications. The specifications for your country may differ slightly. We do our best to ensure that the specifications listed here accurately reflect the exact parts found on our production bikes. However, component changes do occur for various reasons and there may be brief delays on site updates. Also our distributors also regularly ask us to make component modifications to better reflect the requirements of their local markets. We reserve the right to make component changes without prior notification, which may cause discrepancies with the information listed on the web.
I can get it in SINGAPORE @:
My Bike Shop (Commonwealth/Clementi/West Coast) 25 Jalan Mas Puteh S128630 Contact: CK or Tan, 6775 7133
Song Seng Chan (Katong/JooChiat/East Coast) 434-436 Joo Chiat Road, S427648 Contact: Mr Loh, 6344 0690
Chapter 2 Cycle (Ang Mo Kio) Blk 451, Ang Mo Kio Ave.10, #01-1761 Singapore 560451 Contact: 6452-7168 Ben
Such a LOOOOOONG Post this one.. It's to keep an update on all the details i have found about it too.. so i dun have to go to these website to check anc check again..
But this bike looks lovely, and perfect for my Europe adventure(if it is still on..) If not, i can still bring this bike on long tours in other countries near by!!
I love it, love the concept of stripping it down in 15mins and putting it in a bag/suitcase that is legal in size for air transporting. It's a touring road bike.
And guess what, it has a fork capacity, or design, to put in 26inches wheels too!! I read online, and they ALLLL said 26 inches wheels can be found ALLL around the world.. SO yea.. I guess its a good idea to buy an additional wheel..
Plus! I need to get back panniersx2, the supporter behind, one front utility bag, a pair of good pedals, and a helmet.
Man.. I think i will need at least SGD$4k for this.. Argh!!
I so hope the uncle gives me some sort of discount... I can only amount so much money IF i get my bonus.. SO FINGERS CROSSED!
Sounds ironic.. but i feel that i am growing up. And growing up is exciting, though many a times it's hard to get a good grip hold of my current state of mind. Most of the time i am working automatically.
And i have a belief system and principles that are as solid as i had ever had in my life thus far. That's a good thing i feel.
I pity myself many times a day. I question my own dreams and aspirations and actions uncountable times a day. I try to tell myself things will get better every single day.
That's my life.
But i am happy, that i am not alone. I have the best people all around me, almost every hour of my day. It's a managerial teaching-to surround yourself with good people, so that goodness seems natural and success seems automatic.
To feel so blessed. It's a priviledge. And knowing that priviledges are given. It also means it can be taken away. So i have to embrace the challenges in life with a strong heart and steady mind.
And when god so deems he wants to take it back. I will surrender myself and everything i have to him, as it is.
Thank you god for everything. I'll embrace everything and every person that had/have/will been in my life. Because nothing is forever. It's only now, that is for ever-ything.
Today was a good day.. because i managed to finshed my assignment which i dewelled on for close to 2 weeks.. But finally its done.. What's left is only grammar editing, paraphasing, cosmetics, handing up on friday.
I still have 3 more projects to complete. 1x Accounting theory research paper. 1x Singapore Taxation research paper. 1x Auditing assignment/project.
Woohoo.. I am so motivated to chiong more. I am just such a person.. haha.. i complain and pity myself alot.. but when i get a taste of victory, i will hunt for more. and more. and lots more.
Jia you jy!! I hope u're panic attacks won't hit u anymore luh.. but u get stress quite easily.. haix.. i so hope i can be there in australia. so that i can provide some form of comfort. I am not a very talkative person, esp when i'm in person.. so i doubt i'll be able to tell u alot of things. But being there. helps more than just words i guess. jap test on friday, tml got 4hr prac.. just gotta jia you! Rem to breathe! Drink water!
oh mans.. i am soooo tired.. haha.. but gonna wash plates and rest by 1 latest. gonna wake up at 6 tmr to go for a run. short run. maybe 15 mins. Then after that, do another 15mins worth of pt. Back to bathe for 30mins. Prep for work. leave house at 730. That's the goal for tmr morning. I need to train, ippt is scheduled for saturday morning!
I wanna aim for silver! I wanna get $200!! U know i am soooo stupid.. i connected my blackberry to the laptop while i was at serangoon(serangoon residence no internet). And guess what.. i didn't know it is chargeable. Fuck.. I've calculated.. I will need to pay bit more than $200 on 6/4/10.. i am so screwed.. Gonna call the good singtel ppl to get a waiver. Hopefully they give it to me.. Cause i really dunno i will be charged for using blackberry this way. Haix haix! I feel so stupid! Spent my hard earned $$ this way.. haix..
hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done,
on earth as in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our sins
as we forgive those who sin against us.
Save us from the time of trial
and deliver us from evil.
[For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours
now and for ever.] Amen.
God bless Jia yun. As she passes the obstacles that bares upon her day after day. May you lift her out of the obstacles. And shower her with light, love.
Oh my god.. I am sooo stress.. There are 5 projects this semester.. And i think i have only completed one of them. There is 4 more to go.. and xl just keeps stressing me out.. He's done this done that.. but it's god' way of telling me that "hey.. u're really far behind, doing catch up AGAIN, u know?"
Fuck.. I'm so screwed..
I need to INSTILL self discipline from now on. It's something that was lost.. =X
HMm.. what was i doing yesterday? Fuck(again).. i was feeling absolutely tired.. and demoralised.. and i was taking pity of myself.. And i messaged jy sth so argh.. what the hell was i doing.. I believed that i stood a chance. And i was very sure that i could provide better than her current bf. All i got to do is.. well.. believe and wait! shitz.. my gan chiong impulsive self just got ahead of me.. and i am really suffering from it all.. TOday i am feeling so bad about what i did yesterday.. i really wanna make ammendments..
I guess, for now, i can only just see what is her reaction.. and hopefully.. we can still be friends.. I'm such a jerk!
So much said.. i'm just back from class.. and i'm going to finish my 2nd project by tonight. It's Do or Die.
Today was a short day. Partly because i didn't do much work.. Class was great. I learn a great deal about environmental accounting.
here is some videos about Lance Armstrong from youtube. It's inspirational. From cancer carrier to cancer survivor to Tour de France 7x winner..
You just need to look at what he is doing. And compare. To what you are, now. Compare what u are feeling, now. Compare how u want to live, your life. Sulk? Unfairness? Unlucky?
Excuses.
Life has a way of showing you what needs to be done and of cuz, heal. But for that to happen, u got to really want to. Deep down to u're gut, u say u want!
LIVE STRONG
Lance's Confession of having cancer
Lance Armstrong Climb of Alpe D'Huez 2001
A Tribute to one of the greatest ever cyclists, Lance Armstrong. In 1996, Armstrong was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer. Given a less than 20% chance of survival, he beat the disease and went on to win seven straight Tour de France titles.
You know sometimes when u have a crush on someone.. and u are just so attracted to that person? I know this will pretty much freak that person out.. hmm and i tried to just relax, and take it slowly.. as what my gd fnd in class suggested me doing.
There's no certainty in this game eh? I mean.. i can do whatever that i think is right.. and things will still be uncertain.
My body is not up for more 'hurt' related feelings. though i know i can still bear criticisms in the face and a slap in the face.. I can take all those still. I am mentally stronger. But being passed for something related to love, is so much worse a feeling, because deep down, u told urself, every morning when u wake up, that we'll be together. It's a conviction. And everyone knows how strong i can be, when i have a conviction.
So i thought of a Plan B. hahahaha..
What the hell eh.. my fnd in class said its a great idea, and that i am maturing. Because i bother to think of a plan B. I've just got to find a way, some way, to protect myself. Plan B this time round? IT's simple, tackle the conviction right at the tiger's throat. When at any point in time, that i find/felt that there's not opportunity for us to blossom into something more. I will start the stage of rehabilitation. This stage, will carry on for 1 month. It works like this, every morning i will wake up, try to straighten up myself. Tell myself, it's over. She's a fnd, just like the unique friendship u had with huili. It's unique in the sense, that she is a close friend, but will never be more than that. It's gonna be tough.. sad and all.
Gotta go for class later at 12pm through to 3pm. Then after that project work till evening..
I'll go to White Sands Mall (Pasir ris) later, to collect my race kit together with dad's too. SO yea.. Gotta like really travel a long distance. I was thinking of staying over at serangoon.
Got to do a good 1 hour studying before i go to school
I am soo far behind everybody now.. I haven't started to take up my books/lecture notes to read up.
You know sometimes there comes this threshold where u feel after slacking so much, and yes, now i need to start to do something about it, if not, i am so going to fail.
That's how i am feeling now. Gotta work hard! Fighting!
